A Word from God, Part II: Exterminating the Infection
This is a continuation of A Word from God, which I received this past Saturday morning (9 Feb 19). This "continuation" was received on Sunday morning (10 Feb 19). Provided below (in small font), are my personal words of commentary. God's Words (as I believe they were delivered to me) comprise the remainder of this post.
Peace to you...
Daver
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In Saturday morning's Word, I believe I received the following from God:
Your healing is coming—soon, but not quite yet. As I've said, there's still a work I wish to do in your heart. There's an infection there I need to clear out and heal you of. You will understand and see these things soon.
On Sunday morning, I queried God on this, and this is what I believe I heard:
Dave, the infection has two parts to it, with the first being the more systemic (and primary) of the two. This first part deals with a false self response to trauma, where you close in upon yourself during traumatic or very difficult situations and circumstances (or, to use your words, during "the many, multifaceted ground zeros of your life"). You began doing it as a young boy a very long time ago. When you were hurt, you instinctively closed in on yourself and began immediately to look to your own resources to help you survive and cope.
I remember doing this and doing it often. I can even recall the self talk I'd engage in, where I'd coach myself in what to do (to get through the event at hand) and how to help myself recover, feel better, and plan for the future.
Dave, you've done this your whole life, and this is what I want to exterminate. I want to exterminate this gut response as well as the messages and epic story lines you tell yourself over and over again during (and long after) such events. These things were helpful to your survival when you were unaware of the true (and healing) resources available to you. In your present life, they're no longer helpful. In fact, they're hurting you and robbing you (and those you love) of You—the YOU I created you to be. The things you told yourself added up to the following overarching message, which was uttered by you in many different ways and in just as many different contexts:
"This is MY fault, so I need to figure out how to solve it MYSELF. It's up to ME, and no one else, for there's no one who can help ME. I'M all alone in this, and I need to do whatever I can to prevent this from happening again. To do whatever I can to help MYSELF feel better. To do whatever I can to get ground back under MY feet and keep moving forward. To do whatever I can to keep living."
What God said above is very true. Throughout my life, I've had to deal with a host of different bullies and predators (some earlier in life and some more current) as well as my late wife Brenda Hollis (who died by suicide on June 3, 2002) and her many physical and mental illnesses (multiple sclerosis, autonomic nerve system problems, mitral valve prolapse syndrome, lupus, alcoholism, anorexia, bulimia, self-cutting, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder [aka "multiple/fragmented personality disorder"], spending addiction, and suicidal ideation). Dealing with all this was very difficult and, at times, traumatic.
Sometimes (for long stretches), I would encounter such things every day, multiple times a day. I experienced these things so much that I really did make it a habit of living with my soul turned in on itself. I also looked for ways to fortify myself when the event of the moment passed. I did this through martial arts practice and other types of physical training as well as various types of prayer, writing, and prayerful meditation practice. Not that these things are bad in and of themselves (for, in fact, many elements were, still are, and can be helpful); but...when they reinforce my turning in on myself, they reinforce that which has become toxic to my soul. All these things imprisoned me (in a manner of speaking) to the notion I was all alone in my difficulties and struggles and that it really was up to me to survive and move beyond them.
Up to me to watch out for and defend myself.
Up to me to keep the bullies at bay.
Up to me to defeat the enemies of my soul.
Up to me to carry Brenda from one day to the next by trying to convince her her life held meaning.
Up to me to make my life better.
Up to me to keep me from being brought to utter ruin and destruction, to a final ground zero from which I might never recover.
The difficulty with all this, Dave, is that you don't have (nor have you ever had) the resources to solve these kinds of problems. I'm the only One able to carry such things. In turning in on yourself, you served only to hold the hurt, fear, and bitterness inside you. This is the secondary infection we need to clean out. Fortunately, it's a more derivative form. By that, I mean, its effects derive directly from the first infection. In eradicating the more pervasive of the two, we'll take care of the secondary infection at the same time. In picking a stick up by one end, you invariably pick up the other end as well. This is how it will work in this instance.
Here's what I want you to do (and it should come as no surprise to you because you've begun to walk in these things already):
I want you to carry within you a mental picture of a white flag. Yes, a white flag: The White Flag of Surrender. Not surrender to life or your enemies or your problems, but surrender to Me. In surrendering to Me, I will empower you to truly open yourself up to Me and all those around you who love you. And, in doing so, resources (in fact, all of Heaven's resources) will be made available to you. You've been carrying burdens, self assumed responsibilities, and self defining notions no one should carry. As you open up to Me, you'll be enabled by Me to let Me carry them as well as carry you. Not carry you as you continue to carry them. But take them off you, carry them away from you, and still carry you.
This is how it's going to work from here on out.
THIS is the principle healing I'm bringing about in your soul (and will continue to enforce throughout the many remaining years of your life), and it will be a glory-to-glory kind of thing as more and more healing is brought to completion. Paradoxically, the healings that occur (and there will be many) will "infect" systemically the length, width, and breadth of who you are. At all times, you'll still be you, but you WON'T be the person you were before. Everyone will recognize this. Many will embrace it; many more will reject it. It cannot be any other way.
I feel the pain you've felt, Dave. I was there with you every time you sustained such things. I felt every hurt, every accusation, every stab at your personality and dignity. I felt it all. As you surrender and open yourself up to Me, I'll take from you all you were never meant to carry. This will jump-start an open- and whole-hearted exuberance of soul that will be hard to contain. For years, You've asked me to give you meekness. Well, through all this, I'm answering your prayer. Through my Spirit's direct participation, I'll channel your energies toward that which will be incredibly generative. So much so, that one day in glory you and I will marvel together at what I was able to accomplish through you in the simple lives of so many. And so you will finally (and fully) understand what My Son Jesus meant when He said, "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth"(1).
This is my Word to you, my son ("My Beloved!"). Embrace these things, and forever keep the white flag of surrender raised confidently above the central elements of your heart.
Can you see, now, how much I love you! I hope you're beginning to; for those who really know you can, and I want you to see what they see. You are your namesake, My son. Don't ever forget that, O you in whom I find such delight.
Making you well, just as I promised...
Your Heavenly Dad
Notes
See Mt 5:5.
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